I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I puked a lego.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
