I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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