how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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