What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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