so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
