I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
