remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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