i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize