we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
