maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
