So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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