I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
