my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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