the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
