my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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