I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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