i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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