In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
