I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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