I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Watching her eat just hurts me
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
