I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
