My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
