The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
