Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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