I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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