I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
