Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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