Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Well I just put wine in my tea
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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