I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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