I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
