I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
