A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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