Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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