I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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