I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
