You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.