I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.