You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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