May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
