I just threw up on my dentist
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
