Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
