don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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