Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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