That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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