Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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