I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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