When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
