I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
