My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
