Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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