I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
