just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.