The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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