Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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