she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
