I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
And then my night got REAL pukey
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
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